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Some camping tips . . . .
- Get even with a bear that raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
- Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
- A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
- You'll never be awakened by the call of a loon if you have an unlisted number.
- The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
- Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping bag.
- While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
- Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, or belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
- Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
- You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
- You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
- When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to
wipe your nose on.
- You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.
- Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
- A two-man pup tent is not large enough for two men, or even one man and a pup.
- A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.
- A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
- In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
- The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
- A large carp can be used for a pillow.
- Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."
- The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
- It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain
road behind a large motor home.
- Effective January 1, 2000, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.
- Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
- In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a
snoring tent mate.
I do not really like vacations. I much prefer an occasional day off when I do not feel like working. When I am confronted with a whole week in which I have nothing to do but enjoy myself I do not know where to begin. To me, enjoyment comes fleetingly and unheralded; I cannot determinedly enjoy myself for a whole week at a time. ~Robertson Davie
Eleanor Roosevelt wrote David O. Selznick to ask that her maid, Lizzy McDuffy, be considered for the role of Mammy in Gone With the Wind.
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