Flight Number 293
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom,

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen,  I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought  me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
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I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets. It seems to me that they are wonderful things for other people to go on.  ~Jean Kerr
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In Alaska, it is illegal to look at a moose from a flying vehicle.

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